Counselor: Hello, and thank you for coming today. I am looking forward to helping y —
Republican: I object.
Counselor: Uh, we haven’t even started. You object to what?
Rep: This whole thing. I don’t need relationship counseling. I’m doing fine. I’m the majority in Congress and my party’s candidate won the presidency. I don’t see the problem here.
Democrat: You don’t see the problem here?? You don’t see the problem. Unbelievable.
Rep: What? You had your turn. I think that’s fair. And now you’re just being completely unreasonable about everything. Government shutdown, you didn’t clap and you actually booed during the president’s speech. That was real mature. Possibly along the lines of treason.
Dem: Oh, what, not clapping and an occasional ‘boo’ is treason now? Does that mean I’ll see you in jail, because guess who booed and didn’t clap first? Yeah, kettle, as if you’re a real saint. Did you show ANY respect for our president? And let me just say, our president actually took care of Bin Laden. Your guys are the ones who first financed the terrorists and then —
Counselor: Okay, okay, can we just take a breather here? Let’s take a step back. We’re throwing out some ugly words and it’s just gett—
Dem: Russia investigation. I’m just saying.
Rep: That isn’t an issue. That seriously isn’t even an issue. And besides, there’s Nunes’ memo…
Dem: Nunes’ memo? You’re not serious.
Rep: Look, the whole government is not to be trusted. I mean, the people working at the highest level of government are frauds and obtain information illegally, so…
Dem: Are we conspiracy theorists now? I mean come on. This is completely ridiculous. I cannot talk to, let alone work with someone, who is completely blind to the truth. No, no, who actually tries to create smoke screens in front of the truth so no one even knows what’s going on.
And by the way, you just saying over and over that this Russia investigation is nothing, doesn’t make it true. Okay, I’m out.
Counselor: Look, Democrat, unfortunately, you can’t leave until the session is over, so, I’m going to have to ask you to sit down.
Now, I want you both to look at each other – in the eyes, not at the top of each other’s heads – and say one thing nice about the other person.
Rep: You have nice hair.
Counselor: I see. You guys aren’t going to make this easy, are you?
Dem: Look, you’re cute and we appreciate you trying, but we’ve had a lot of years to perfect this dysfunctional relationship, so, good luck.
Rep: Besides, we’re just a reflection of the American people. We put on this act to get reelected. Don’t blame us.
Dem: And in case you haven’t heard, we did finally come up with a bipartisan budget.
Rep: Yeah, see, we can work together. I’m feeling pretty good about that. Avoided another shutdown – woot, woot!
Counselor: Uh, not so fast. You forgot to check with Mr. Paul and some of the other senators. You did have another shutdown.
Rep: Urgh. Rand Paul. I hate that guy. He isn’t even a real Republican.
Dem: Yeah, I’m with you there, but I don’t like him because he’s even worse than you guys.
Counselor: Hey, keep in mind that he’s a fellow American who is voicing concern. But that is your biggest problem right there. You guys keep trying to push stuff through without really working things out the right way. The health care bill, the recent tax bill. You might congratulate yourselves on these accomplishments, but they could be so much better. You just constantly try to outdo and then undo.
And in case you haven’t noticed, your ratings are pretty low, both of you.
Rep: Oh, don’t worry. We’ll come up with something crazy to unify the country at the last minute and then we can do whatever we want.
Dem: Great idea, Republican. You think just because that worked out for you last time you guys were in charge that we’re going to fall for that again?
Rep: Actually, yes. I think America will fall for that again. And anyway, what’s your idea? All you guys did was double our debt and keep government operating in the red. How do you think our guy got elected? It’s not because you were doing such a great job.
Dem: Well, your guy has pretty much changed the entire game. But that could work for us, you know. We made some pretty good gains last election cycle. This year could be big for us.
Rep: Ha! Like I’m scared.
Counselor: You know what you both need? You could really use a moderate third party to get you both working together better. There are a lot of advantages to having another major party in Congress. It could do you both a lot of good.
Rep: Ha!! Like that’s going to happen.
Dem: Third party guys never win.
Counselor: Look, as your counselor, I’m telling you, the status quo isn’t working. And all of this dysfunction has got a lot of people confused with what’s normal. Many seriously question their own sanity.
Rep: Mission accomplished.
Dem: Oh, no problem. I know some great health care policies that could cover a psychiatrist visit. Give everyone free mental health care!
Counselor: *sigh. I think you’re both missing the point. But anyway, time’s up. We’ll see you guys next time and hopefully make better progress.
Rep: Ooo, good. I have to get to a golf game with a lobbyist from — oh, nevermind. Nothing you need to worry about.
Dem: I’m late for a rally. We are going to crush you guys over DACA. You are going down.
*As they walk away*
Rep: That third party thing she mentioned — we need to do something about that. That could mean huge losses for me.
Dem: That’s one thing we can definitely agree on. Having another major party would be a disaster for both of us.